How will you remember me?

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me

And I enjoy an accolade like the rest

You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery

Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best

At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights

We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'

But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides

The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to You enough

To make a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who

blessed your name unapologetically

And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile

To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy

It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile

Where moth and rust,

thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled,

not well read, not well-to-do or well bred

Just want to hear instead,

"Well Done" good and faithful one

For some reason, the way people think and perceive me is really important to me. I wonder all the time if I am actually positively affecting any ones life. I want to make a difference, I want to be a person who influences and is looked up too. This song reminds me that it is not always about how people view me. It is about how people view Him through me. Sometimes I need to remember that its not always about me, its about God and how He wants things to be.

This week has been very stressful, to say the least. I've been to the doctor 7 times within 2 months. I had 2 tests taken on Friday and an ultrasound on Monday. None of the results have came back yet. I wish they didn't take so long so I could finally start feeling better.

I also had 2 major tests yesterday. I was very nervous because of being so sick and going home for doctor appointments that I really have been physically or mentally able to study like I needed. And one of the tests was only ten questions long. Ouch.

I'm still not sure where I'm going to school next year. UCF still hasn't gotten back to Dayana about her application. They need to hurry because I will need to apply to USF soon.

I pray that this week goes smoother and less painful. I've been physically and emotionally drained, I need some praise in life right now. This weekend is Valentines Day and I couldn't be happier with my amazing boyfriend. At least I have something to look forward too!

R.I.P JMS <33

It's been a while..

Its hard to keep posting blogs with such a busy college life. A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. Good and bad. A new semester at UCF has begun. I'm taking Humanities 2, Social psych, Philosophy, and Western Civilization 2. I noticed that every single one of my classes has to do with the human species. I thought that was interesting. I guess its because the human body and lifestyle interests me. I have a new roommate from Puetro Rico. Shes cool and easy to get along with. I miss my Megan bunches though!


The past weekend was WR09. I'm not going to lie, didn't enjoy it as much as other church events. Don't get me wrong, the band and speaker were amazing. But i dunno, i think the realization of how much things change really hit me this weekend. Made me think a lot about how relationships used to be. But I guess theres no going back. Move on and get over things and love the people that actually care about you instead of the ones who claim too.


The past few months have been filled with fun adventures. Mosi, the zoo, the aquarium, parks, Universal and Islands of Adventure, the beach. It seems like I've done everything there is to do that Tampa Bay has to offer. Though I still want to go to Sea World more than anything.


I love how you get a full month off in college over Christmas. It was so relaxing not having to worry about classes and grades. I ended the semester with an A, two B+'s, and a C. Not bad for my first term I suppose. Over the break I got to thinking about my dream to still attend UF. I've made new goals to try harder in school so I can continue with my PhD after I graduate. Big dreams, big goals, big plans.


Speaking of goals, another one is to make some sort of team to fill the whole in my heart where competitive cheer leading used to fill. Its crazy to think about how much I miss performing. I'm thinking about Tampa Bay Buccaneers? We will see. All I know is that I miss the spotlight and putting on a show.


I ordered a new psych book from B&N yesterday. Its called The Lucifer Effect, by Phil Zimbardo. Its about how good people can be corrupted and do bad things. My old teacher said it was a good read. I'm excited.


Now on to spiritual thoughts. A question has been boggling my mind. Can our Creator make a rock so enormous that even He cannot lift it? And if so, doesn't that mean that our all powerful God is unable to lift something He created? Thereby making something the defeats him? And if He cannot make a rock with which He cannot lift, then is it not still something that defeats Him? I don't know if I fully explained myself on this topic. I'm sort of confused myself. Just a little philosophy to keep my mind working.


Well I supposed that's it for now. I want to try and keep this up. We will see what happens though because I think I've said that for a while now.

Snoop

What can a physical space tell you about someone you have never seen? Snoop is the name of the new book I'm reading. Yes, it is a psychology book and I don't have to read it for class, don't make fun of me! It seems really interesting! Here is a little exert about what the book entails..


"The goal of my decor-decoding research and the work of scientists who study the nature of personality itself it to create portraits of people based on the clues they leave- just as Sherlock Holmes and FBI profilers create a complete picture of someone by strategically assembling seemingly disparate information. One of my goals in writing this book is to share what I've learned about the special brand of voyeurism I'm calling snoopology. So the next time you call on someone in his office or interview a prospective job applicant or cast your eyes around a dates digs, you'll know to ask yourself questions like: What does that collection of cheesy trinkets on the computer monitor say about its owner? And why are they all pointing toward the visitors chair? Whats the story behind those inspirational messages stuck on the mirror over the dresser?


You'll also learn how to be on the lookout for fake messages and how to snoop behind the propaganda set up to fool you. People go to great lengths to mask their identities in person, but in a room, with its gradual build up of clues, its a lot harder to fake it. And most people don't even know what they are broadcasting about themselves. As we'll see, a messy desk doesn't always signal a messy mind.


Of course, the science of snooping entails much more than simply noticing what's on the walls, or under the bed. It also demands that we combine the discoveries that psychologists have unearthed over the past decades on human behavior."




Enticed? I thought so.

Renewal

Love: –noun; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

There are a plethora of different meanings for this word. I find it interesting that when overcoming situations that involve letting go of things and people you love, you find an even deeper meaning and appreciation for the word. It becomes more significant. More...personal. You don't take it lightly, not that I did before. But now, it's different. It's stronger. I guess it is true when they say its better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved before. And the amazing thing is how, that no matter what, you want the best for not only for yourself, but for the ones you love as well. Even if that means putting them before you. That's what its all about. Love is not a feeling, its an action. And you never stop loving someone.

Romans 8: 1-2 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Condemnation. That means unresolved guilt. I guess you could say I've been living with some unresolved guilt in my life. Something that, up until today, I couldn't stand living with. I couldn't bare thinking about, it killed me inside. I thought I would never forgive myself. Today in church everything changed. God spoke to me through the pastor. It finally clicked in my head. Something I knew all along, but I was finally able to overcome my insecurities. "If you're good enough for God, you're good enough for yourself." I didn't believe that for the longest time. I would have these little video tape players in my mind that never stopped playing. Replaying my mistakes, my trials, my sin. Oh that word sin.

I've finally given myself the ability to overcome those silly tapes in my mind. It's time to put those tapes in storage. It's time to move on. It's all in the past. And I'm learning and growing. And I know God has amazing plans for my life. Plans to prosper and guide me. And I won't let sin, the Devil, take me down anymore. It's time for renewal. It's time to take myself outside my comfort zone and influence. It's time to be a leader. I'm going to change people lives. I'm going to be the spiritual role model. I'm going to get involved, just like people became involved with me. Only I won't make any more of the same mistakes. It's time for a change to accomplish bigger and better things for myself.

When people told me to take the opportunity to change and grow, I guess I thought that meant changing who I am. But it's not about that. I'm still me. It's about changing the actions and reactions of myself. I pray I keep this positive outlook and make something of myself.

Finally

It seems like I have so many days off and nothing ever to do, but never seem to find the time, or energy I suppose, to update this. Just got back from Night of Joy this morning, it was uhhh-may-zinggg! I missed my church family! I love them!

During the Casting Crowns concert a line they sang stuck out in my head. "The God who gives and takes away." I think a lot of the time we focus on the taking away part. I know personally that has affected me a lot lately. You go to my previous blogs and it seems like all I do is release the feelings I have from things being taken away from me. As a whole, people always seem to be unable to see the good in things, the silver lining around the dark cloud if you will. That has definitely been me lately. I try so hard to remember all the blessings I have in my life. Trust me its hard. I know it's easier to look down on things, to want to go back, to want to always remember and be remembered. But God has blessed every one of us with so much. I have so so so much to be grateful for. And sometimes I take that for granted. Instead of looking at things as lost, I need to remember everything I've gained and learned.

New topic.

Relationships. Complicated! I wish God had texting so I could ask Him what He wants from me. And I'd get a direct answer. I'm torn about being ready or not. Time and prayer will give me my answer I suppose.

New topic. Speaking of texting. T-mobile hates me. I don't know whats wrong with my phone. I think I need a new sim card. Long story short, Friday I went to 2 different tmobile stores, not once, not twice, but three times. So I didn't have my phone allllll weekend at NOJ. Then today I go to their store and the computers are down, nationwide. REALLY!? Come on. Hopefully I will have this sorted out tomorrow. I don't believe in luck..but I'm having plenty of bad coincidences.

Being forgotten. That's been in my head for a while now. It really upsets me. It's not purposeful either. Which makes it even harder. But maybe it will be better in the long run. I can only pray I've made some kind of impact. I sure know I'll never forget what I've learned and gained.

Well I have a bunch to do tomorrow. Done with randomness for now.

<3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">xoxo

Who knew?

Who knew that college life was so awesome? It seems like I've been here forever. I had my first classes today. Communications. (Maybe this will help with my communicating problem =] ) Comp 1. And Personality Analysis. Then I have an evening class Thursday, which is Macroeconomics. So far all my teachers are pretty cool. I've met some new people. Mainly through Taylor. She has some pretty cool friends. Then I made a new friend in my English class. We oddly had a lot in common and I was proud of myself for putting myself out there and making good conversation. Yay for me!

Arranging my room was difficult. But it's a really nice layout and dorm. I like it a lot. Literally everything I've tried to hang on the walls has fallen. No lie. Everything I touch falls. And it always happens in the middle of the night. Which is fun waking up to scary crashes and bangs from things falling.

Tay took us to a really sweet church Sunday morning. It was an old movie theater. I really like the music and sermon and pastor. It was totally different than Feathersound. There was easily 2 or 3 times as many people. It was a good experience. I've never been to a different church before.

Tonight Megan and I are planning on going to a movie night type thing at the Leisure Pool tonight. They are showing Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I've never seen it so I'm excited.

Oh, I forgot to mention. We have loud boys living above us. They like playing loud music at 11:30 at night. Doesn't bother me, it's just funny because it will be rockish one night and then some techno dance stuff the next. Megan and I plan on meeting these interesting boys. The best part is that the walls are so thin that we can hear when they go to the bathroom. That's how we knew they were XY's. Yes, the sound of boys peeing is a lot different than girls. Megan and I pretty much have made it game. It's hilarious. Oh, the college life.

More serious blogs to come later. I can never seem to write during the day. I like the night life I guess.

I gotta get through this.

I have decided that I need to buckle down. I need to fasten my seat belt and prepare for the ride God has planned for me. To accomplish this I need help. I guess you could say I'm a list type of person. I like making To Do and check lists. Well, to stay focused on myself and my goals in the long run, I need a plan. A plan of action. I become distracted too easily. I let my mind wander to places that only hurt me. I need to stop living in the past, stop trying to fix things I can't control, and stop telling myself things that only bring me down.

How do I do this, you ask? Well I need rules. I need boundaries. I need to condition myself. My brain needs restrictions. Nothing else is working, so I figure what do I have to lose? I WILL force myself to follow my rules. In the end, it will be better for me. I need to get to a stable place in my life and everything else I have tried hasn't worked.

THE RULES

• No more sad songs
• Put all pictures and memorabilia out of sight
• Classically condition myself by causing a slight physical pain when thoughts arise about topic ( I love psych <33)
• Go to all places, events, etc that remind me of the aversive stimulus to get out old memories and places of remembrance
• Stay occupied
• Don't over analyze (this will be a hard one)
• Remember God has a plan

I'm totally open to any suggestions. I could use alllll the help I can get. And if you notice that I'm not following through with my plan of action. Slap me. Kick me. Yell at me. Do something. Confront me. Please. I know I can't only rely on myself. I'll have those moments of wanting to break my rules. But I can't. I must make myself change my mindset. This will be the algorithm that will accomplish my goal of moving on. I need to for my health and sanity.

It's time I make myself focus on a solution.

Suggestions?