Dying is easy. Living is the challenge.
I feel like I'm going in circles. Always ending up in the same spot I started. There's no where to go anymore, besides out of my mind. I'm getting sick of pretending. I'm not who I want to be anymore. I look back and think of disappointment and betrayal and things I would give anything to do-over.
I always said I would never have any regrets. Everything happens for a reason. I guess the people who are able to say that are the ones who never did anything so catastrophic. I wish I could go back to those days. The days when I was confident and secure with myself. Not a day goes by I don't think or pray about my past. It's consuming my life. And it's taken effect on me.
How can I move on and look to the future when I can't bare of thinking who I've become. The memories don't go away. I can't be alone anymore. I have to stay occupied all the time or I lose myself. I never thought it was possible to hurt so much. I can physically feel it. And I know no one can understand. I can't let go. I'm starting to realize more and more of my insecurities.
I used to be strong. I look back at a few previous blogs and wonder how I was so stable. Someone mentions the words trust or feelings and I can feel myself shut down. I'm surrounded by people and places and things that remind of things I need to let go. But part of me doesn't want to let go. There were so many great memories...so much admiration, attachment, love. My brain is split in two. Part of it wants to destroy the thoughts and memories that weigh me down. The other side doesn't want to let go of things that are still so important to me. I'm torn.
A few weeks ago I could tell you that I felt I've grown closer with God. I don't know if I can say that anymore. I feel myself drifting. Losing my attention. I want the answers I know God has. But it doesn't work that way. And I hate not knowing. I like knowing everything.
It's funny how you can be any character you want. Pick any persona and live it out.. Yet you could be a totally different person on the inside. I've been keeping my feelings in too long. I'm done acting happy and like everything is all better, when it's not. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I need to take drastic measures in order to try and find something I need. I need help, I can't do this. But I'm scared. I don't know if I can handle it or if it will even be worth it. What would people think? More importantly, how would I think of myself?
I don't want to be this anymore. I need prayer. And I need repair. The problem is finding a way to achieve that. I want to be happy.
1 comment:
Jessica. I've been waiting for this. Be who you are. We will all love you anyway, and if someone doesn't, then God will deal with them. Everyone has mistakes in their past and even though they may not seem as catastrophic, they are all the same in God's eyes. He has a plan for you and His answers will come. You don't have to hide your true self, please let her out.
I honestly can't wait until we get over to UCF, it will be a fresh start, a place where you can really be you because no one knows anything different. I used to be afraid to be my true self too, you can ask Cody, he'll confirm that. I'm glad I finally gave that up. Who cares what people think? Jesus still loves you and so do I <3 You know I'm always here to talk.
Just be honest with yourself and others. You'll get through this :-D
I love you girl. I'm so glad you want to set yourself free, it's a good feeling.
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