What a tough year. Yesterday as I was cleaning out my room I started thinking about how it wasn't my room anymore. It's my sisters. The place that I could always go to, to feel safe, secure. Get away from my house, the yelling, the arguing. A place I could go and cry, relieve my emotions. All in private. In my safe haven. Man, if my 4 walls could talk. They would have a lot of stories to tell. Then I started thinking about all the things I've lost or had to let go of in the past year. Here are a few things...
+my room
+my high school
+a class that changed my life
+cheering at games
+cheering at Rock
+competition
+coaches
+a person I looked up too
+a person who helped me in my Christian walk
+two little friends I adored
+a family
+friends
+my confidence
+trust
+love
+myself
And thats just a demo. It blows my mind that so many things that were important to me have changed. Ahh yes, that word. The change word. Makes shutter just typing it. But I know, I know. With all these things that I lost, there is so much more to gain. Yes, I do know and believe that is true. But it doesn't change that fact that there are still those days. Those days you wish everything was how it used to be. But I do have a future and I know God will guide me through it. The high times and the low times.
Lately I've been dealing with a lot of... situations in my life. I go from being completely ok one day and feeling like death another day. This rollar coaster of emotions and thoughts is taking a bunch outta me. I feel like everytime I try to heal myself, the wound never goes away. I feel unclean. Heres my metaphor. My heart is dirty and bruised. It has been thrown in the mud of denial, kicked by the foot of reality, and smooshed by the weight of memories and missingness. (yep that is a word. missing + ness.) And when I would use the Soap, God, to try and clean up, there were always places I'd miss. Always spots that wouldn't come clean. The scars still have not gone away. I guess they never will. But that does not mean I'll stop using the Soap. No siree. I need that Soap. Soap is refreshing and cleansing. I don't know if I'd still be alive if I didn't use my Soap.
At youth tonight it was a typical Wednesday night. Familiar songs, faces, worship. And I always loved I Stand Amazed. But tonight, tonight it was different for me. "A sinner, condemned, unclean." That one line stuck in my head. "A sinner" ...me... "condemned" ..me... "unclean" ...me. Thats all I could think about. It just replayed over and over..and over again in my head. I was every single one of those things. And I was feeling it. Big time. I still have not and am not ready to forgive myself for things I've done. But God has. I couldn't honestly tell you anything that JJ said tonight. "A sinner, condemned, unclean." That's me. My mind just went out of control pondering all sorts of different thoughts. Why did Jesus sacrifice Himself..for me. It all just hit me. That one verse boggled my already overanalyzing mind. God loves me for me. And even though I'm sinful and unready and broken down. He is there. To guide me and show me the path that is right for me. Even when I feel like giving up. He is always there reminding me of His love and passion and committment. For me. Me!...what? ...Jessica...me? Noooo. That can't be right. Jessica Wolf? From Pipeline? But alas, it's true! All His love and mercy and teaching is for me!
Oh sweet niblets. I've worn out my body and brain today. I think my random blog will come to an end here. I could ramble on forever. I love writing.
Pray for me. I could sure use it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Change is a natural part of life, and by its very nature is painful. Anything that rocks the boat, so to speak, is uncomfortable, but ultimately it's completely for the glory of God that change happens. He is above all, beyond all comprehension, and has "a plan to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and future" (Jer. 29:11). It's hard to remember sometimes, but nevertheless, it's completely true.
Great metaphor! So many times, I've felt just like you, that no matter how much I scrub, there's always places I miss, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes quite intentionally. Sin, like dirt, can become quite comfortable at times. It feels familiar, like a favorite old shirt that you always wear but never can quite bring yourself to wash for fear of damaging it. Maybe that's more of a guy thing, but oh well, you get my point, right?
I believe the next lines of that song are "How marvelous, how wonderful, and my song shall ever be 'How marvelous, how wonderful, is my Savior's love for me.'" And that's so true. It still blows my mind that a God so perfect and powerful as He would love us, the ones who spat in His face, the ones who mocked Him, the ones who yelled "Crucify Him," so much that it hurt Him not to be with us. Our sin sent Him to the cross, and it's so amazing that He would allow such a thing to happen. In one second He could have called legions of angels down from Heaven to rescue Him and glorify Him and prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that He was, in fact, Who He claimed to be, but instead, He chose to be submissive to the will of His Father and die the worst possible type of death at the time. I believe that took more strength than the show of force He could have put on.
I basically wrote another blog as a comment, but I, like you, enjoy writing and had a lot to say. God bless you, and even though I don't know you, I will be praying.
- Brian M.
Post a Comment