"Looking back at the beginning of this
And how life was
Just you and me and love and all of our friends
Living life like an ocean
Now the currents slowly pulling me down
It's getting harder to breath
It won't be too long and I'll be going under
Can you save me from this
It's not my time,
I'm not going
There's a fear in me
It's not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh, I won't go
I look ahead to all the plans that we made
And the dreams that we had
I'm in a world that tries to take them away
Oh, but I'm taking them back
All this time I've just been to blind to understand
What should matter to me
My friend, this life we live
Is not what we have,
it's what we believe."
Lets see if I can talk about yesterday without getting upset. I do not ever remember crying so much for anything in my whole life. To know I'll never be at practice again, never experience the thing I love with all my heart ever again. It just kills me. Sure people say oh try out for college and it doesn't have to be over...well college is A LOT different than competitive cheering. I don't think anyone can fully comprehend unless you do what I do, with the kind of passion I have. I can't think about Saturday without crying. My last competition..
My friends mean everything to me, and I am so scared of moving away. Friendships have changed with me still living in the same county. Whats going to happen when I move far away. Then what? Will everything just end, all the relationships I worked on and created with people? Everyone keeps telling me it won't change. I've learned not to listen. It's already happened before and I'm just anticipating it happening again.
Someone told me last night that this was the beginning to a new chapter in my life. Man, I lost it on that one! I don't want a new chapter. I like things how they are now. I don't do well with change. I don't do well with relationships ending, people forgetting, moving on, doing things without me. I want to believe that will not happen. But I know it will. People have proven that to me. I'm meeting new people, and forming closer friendships, but I'm afraid to do that. I don't want to get close with someone..just to be away from that person in a few months. I don't want to put myself through that, nor anyone else.
I don't want to be the girl who went to college and you never heard from her again. The girl who was expected to do great things, fail. Get misguided, off track. Let people down. I don't think I'm ready for this. Not getting into UF was the biggest disappointment of my whole life. I can't handle failing again.
I want to make everyone proud of me. I want to change the world. But am I ready?
Role model- A person who serves as a model in a particular behavioral or social role for another person to emulate. Role models can also be persons who distinguish themselves in such a way that others admire and want to emulate them.
Last night, someone said one of the most touching things I've ever heard.
"You will ALWAYS be someone I look up to and remember forever, someone my kids will hear about."
I balled my eyes out for a minimum of 2 hours straight last night. That didn't help my crying situation, but it did give me the little inspiration I needed for the night. I want to make a difference. And its really hard to know if that is happening. At least I know I helped someone in someway.
I'm so scared. If you would of asked me a year ago if I was excited for college, I would have given an enthusiastic 'Of course!' But now, its so close. And I never took a lot of factors into mind. I'm leaving everything I've done for myself, behind. Putting it all behind me. And that could be a good thing. But with life the way it is. I don't know if I want it that way. I'm not ready to be on my own. Be away from the people I love, my role models, my friends, even my family.
I know I can do anything I put my mind too. Maybe this is just a stage I'm going through. But its a stupid stage that's affecting my life! I can't sleep at night because my brain is thinking too much. I just want to succeed and not lose things that are important to me.
But I supposed there is no turning back. This is the time in my life where I show how strong and capable I am. And I came to conquer.
3 comments:
jess,
wow u and kd love posting these sad blogs but i think i need to see them cause it is really going to hit me hard if i dont start realizing now that the friends that have been the closest to me for the last two years are about to not be my high school friends anymore but they are graduating and half of them are not going to be right down the road they will be thirty minutes or more away i never thought i would feel like this i thought once i graduated it would all be good but no this is worse then when i graduated cause i really did not care as much about those people but you guys are like my little sisters that have helped me so much in life i dont know where i would be right now if i did not start at chick fil a and meet all you great girls who just loved me for who i am. i know i have not been the best friend at times and we have not hung out a lot lately but it is going to be so crazy with out half of you guys here but i really could say a lot more but i dont want to take up to much space so jess i love u and always will no matter what happens and dont ever forget that i agape u forever
Jhoeeee. =(
I can somewhat understand how it'll be hard for you going away from friends and family, not from experience from what I have heard. But you will get through the tough trials in life if you keep God up at the top. And hey, your bubbahoe will always be a text away :) I'm glad we've become pretty freakin good friends haha. You've talked to me in rough times and you know I am there for you too. I'm sad we don't text as much as we used to :( but its all good. :P
I'll be prayin' for you in what's going on. Keep your head up kiddo.
You'll make it with God by your side.
<3!
Things are going to change, there's no question. But two things to be encouraged about.
1. Things don't have to change so much that your life is nothing like it was before.
2. Things can actually get better.
I had a group of friends that I met in college who continue to remain the closest friends that I have. Something about that time in my life lended it to me making life-long friendships. We're spread out throughout the country now, but just in the last two days I got to have lunch with two of those guys.
Life is not cyclical (though it might have some elements of cyclicity (I'm pretty sure I just made up that word and I used a parentheses inside a parenthetical statement))). Life is moving toward an ending point. So life presents changes and challenges as God molds us into being who we need to become.
And you didn't fail. You are right where you need to be...and I don't think you'll be that girl.
Jeremiah 29:11.
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